- Esther Perel says couples should talk about money, know their finances, and see value beyond income.
- The psychotherapist said that wealth is an essential aspect of every relationship.
- Earning income is just one of many ways to contribute to the relationship, Birrell says.
Couples “They should talk openly about money, review their finances regularly, and realize that earning income is just one of many ways to contribute to the relationship,” says Esther Perel.
The famous psychotherapist is known for speaking nine languages, hosting the podcast Where Should We Start, and writing Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Sexy Intelligence.
I spoke to Emily Locke, co-founder and CEO of Plenty, a financial management platform For couplesThis was in an episode of the “Love and Other Origins” program released on Thursday.
Beryl explained how money shapes everything from people’s values and identities to the power dynamics in their relationships. She said it can be “one of the biggest stressors” in any relationship, but couples who manage financial issues well can escape this pain.
Here are the three big takeaways from her conversation.
1. Talk about things
Birrell said couples should discuss finances openly from the beginning.
“Money is an inherent part of what forming a relationship will involve,” she said. “It’s important, but it doesn’t have to be precious, hidden, taboo, or nauseating. Like any other subject, if you start from the beginning, it will be integrated into the system.”
Perel stressed that relationships are romantic and practical at the same time, and include love and trust in addition to partnership and economic support. Money is an essential part of that, she said, and financial decisions are inevitable.
“It’s about the present, the past, the future, legacy, what people left behind, what people never left behind, what they had and what they lost,” she said. “It’s not just about how much you make and what you do want to do with it. “
Money can shape the power dynamic between a couple, but Birrell said that’s “not a dirty word for me” because all relationships have one. Couples with a A healthy attitude towards money She said she could “bring it up and talk about it” without becoming defensive and blaming.
Just as you might ask a potential partner if they were You want kidsThe relationship expert said you should ask them about their feelings about money, too.
She recommended asking them how important making money is to them, and what it is The culture of money was in their familyHow much money they ultimately wanted to make, and how they handled any major financial transitions in their lives.
2. Check regularly
Even when one partner trusts the other to manage their money, that partner must still do so Check sometimes Beryl said regarding their shared financial resources.
She added that they should “sit down once a year and see what’s going on.” “I’ve met many people who, when things got problematic, had no idea and it just didn’t bode well for them. Don’t get yourself into that kind of trouble.” Poor position“.
She added that many couples share roles, but “it’s good to not be completely ignorant of some of the things that have a direct impact on you.”
The psychotherapist and author gave another reason for an annual checkup: A couple’s financial situation changes over time, whether a costly health issue arises, an inheritance is paid out, or shares in a company vest.
“Money is not a static thing, and the relationship needs to be flexible around that,” Birrell said, adding that “the conversation about money needs to evolve as the relationship evolves.”
Just as a couple might plan home improvements and vacations, “once a year you should sit down with your finances and say, ‘Where are we?'” Birrell said. “And not, ‘What do we have?’ But, “How do we manage our relationships?” What would you like to change about the way we manage money? Why, just asking your partner this question will go a long way.”
3. Recognizing value in all its forms
Beryl told Locke about the moment her thinking completely changed about what it meant to give and contribute to a relationship.
One artist told her they had renovated their home themselves, raising the value of the property and the couple’s quality of life by improving the room design. Completing the project externally would have cost a full year’s salary, Birrell said.
This episode made her appreciate the countless ways in which a couple can generate value in a relationship besides a paycheck, from manual labor to… Raising children.
“Money is not something people talk about gracefully,” she said of opening a client’s eyes to non-monetary contributions. “So I had to find other ways to suddenly pivot and say, ‘Have you ever looked at it this way,’ and do a complete reframing.”
“So the idea of there being a single breadwinner for the family — that whole language that I’m starting to break down so that we can really talk about the dynamics of power and money and what they can afford and who decides and who brings in and really provides is a completely different story than just income bracket.”